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Really really loved this. Such a thoughtful articulation of many thoughts that have been bouncing around my mind lately. This line particularly stood out...

"Yet… the responsibility to initiate repair rests with the person most healed, regardless of who bears responsibility for the rupture."

Thank you for sharing your work!

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This is by far the most detailed and centered analysis on ' boundaries'. Thank you,Brian. It was really helpful

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May 18, 2021Liked by Brian Stout

This was really thoughtful, as always, particularly the connection between boundaries and the feeling in the body, and nuances of this. I recently was shown an updated, beautiful version of the Giving Tree as "The Tree Who Set Healthy Boundaries," and find this lesson applicable to all ages: https://www.topherpayne.com/giving-tree

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This really resonated with me both as lessons that were difficult for me to learn and integrate into me being, and as topics I love discussing and thinking about: boundaries, relationships, accountability. Here are my thoughts and suggestions I want to share.

A quote from Brene Brown that you probably already know: "The less compromised you feel , the more loving you can be." It was from finding the connection between all people who are measurably compassionate (Therapists, social workers, etc.). They all had strong, clear boundaries which is why they felt safe enough to offer empathy and compassion in deep ways.

Ethical Slut is a book about polyamory/non-monogamy, and it is the one source that I wish was required reading before graduating high school. It taught me more about boundaries and relationships that any other source or person. I credit it as the most beneficial advise I put into practice with my mother. Our relationship went from barely existing to respectful & joyful. It explicitly talks a lot about boundaries, accountability, and emotions, and gives tons of examples to accompany it. I highly recommend it for this reason, as long as you can periodically take the lessons from the book and apply them to situations that are not about non-monogamy.

Finally and similarly, this Relationship Anarchy Manifesto. I particularly love "Create the kind of relationship where withdrawing is both supported and quickly forgiven, and give people lots of chances to talk, explain, see you and be responsible in the relationship. Remember your core values and to take care of yourself though!" This came up for me in regards to boundaries hurting others/hurting yourself. Being both sorry something happened and not taking responsibility for it are not in competition with one another. Both emotions are valid and can live in the same space without being compromised.

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Dear Sir,

As a "hopper" from one culture where boundaries are less respected in another culture you are talking about in your article (which I am also part of it) I can tell there is one fundamental misunderstanding in the myth of boundaries. In the Western dog-eat-dog society, the mainstream is individualistic, self-centered education where boundaries separate people and do not build "connection." How can boundaries build connection when you are anchored into your selfish world of:"what is okay for YOU ,and what is not okay" or "to love Ourselves" or : "grounded in Myself" . Have you heard about the epidemics of loneliness, estrangement, and families separated by narcissistic and selfish boundaries? Myth of Normal ??? (Dr. Mate Gabor's book)

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