This resonates deeply, Brian. I too walked away from the language of “fighting”—not out of passivity, but because I found something truer: fierce protection without domination, invitation without collapse. I call it Synpraxis—a weaving, not a war. Thank you for putting words to the nuance. We’re building the same bridge.
I highly recommend you check out the work of psychologist Shelley E. Taylor. In 2000, she reexamined the results of studies that led to the concept of “fight or flight.” The term was coined in 1932 to describe reactions to a threat. Talyor and her team discovered that the majority of participants in the many studies on threat and stress responses were men. When they looked at women’s responses, they found different behavior.
It landed for me as a strategy for building resilience, or for moving stressful energy into challenge energy... so I see it very much in relationship with what I'm discussing here (thank you for the contribution!), but actually a different phenomenon. "tend" does get at the protect dynamic I am trying to describe, but feels more focused on what is being tended to, not the threat. I'm still seeking language for the energetic of engaging the threat from a transformational place... does that make sense?
I personally resonate with tend and befriend as how I orient to this broader moment of chronic stress (build community!)... and I think it is still distinct from the acute crisis/threat response dynamic that I'm trying to get at here, and the energy of confrontation/ engagement in particular. curious how that lands for you.
So you’re looking for how to be present to a threat in a way that transforms it.
What a great framing! No one word came to mind to encapsulate this notion. Google’s AI suggested a few. Neutralize or reframe were closest but still inadequate.
More to the point, I have a different interpretation for what it means to tend. I see “tend” as focused on the threat as much or more than on who or what you wish to protect.
When feeling threatened, often my first step is to understand underlying motivations. It usually helps me find a way to relate with compassion and curiosity. And it sets me up to do my best listening – a skill I see as essential when threatened. Through listening, I am better equipped to transform any situation.
An example that speaks to the transformative power of listening is from my friend and colleague, Mark Jones. Mark developed what he called the HSL. It came from an insight he received from the Dalai Lama: we all need to be heard, seen, and loved – HSL – or mischief occurs. I hadn’t made this connection until now...the HSL practice is a powerful practice for tending. And it works quite effectively, if counterintuitively, for “engaging the threat from a transformational place.”
A short description of Mark’s HSL diagnostic model is in this post - https://peggyholman.substack.com/p/the-hsl-experiment-346004e759b1. The gist of it is if we don’t feel heard, we shout or shut up. When we don’t feel seen, we become a bully or make ourselves invisible. When we don’t feel loved, we approach/avoid. In all cases, the remedy is in listening.
The post links to "The HSL Diagnostic Model" in which Mark tells a story that I think makes it clear how tending can be a transformative approach to a threat. The gist of the story is that Mark, a black man, was approached by six young white men in a park in New Orleans. They wanted to “teach him a lesson” for being in a place he didn’t belong. Mark “HSL’d” them, drawing out their stories. He completely transformed the situation, made a human connection with men who outnumbered him and came with intent to do him harm, saved himself from a serious physical threat, and left them with some soul searching to do.
In sum, I see two assumptions that may have contributed to our different perspectives. First, that tending and befriending can be focused toward the threat. And second, that confrontation can be dissipated through something deceptive because it seems so non-confrontational: the quality of our listening.
ooh I love this Peggy! thanks so much for sharing Mark's HSL model, it really resonates... and the sequencing too. it does feel at the heart of so much of our current moment of polarization... and is a reminder of what a tall order it is to practice in the face of threat.
I think you’re right, and I am committed to working toward it too. I’m reminded of/guided by Marshall Rosenberg saying (something like) each side needs to feel seen/heard, that their needs will be respected, and that both can trust each other to honor that. It’s true for every level of conflict. It’s a tall order, but it is possible.
This resonates deeply, Brian. I too walked away from the language of “fighting”—not out of passivity, but because I found something truer: fierce protection without domination, invitation without collapse. I call it Synpraxis—a weaving, not a war. Thank you for putting words to the nuance. We’re building the same bridge.
I highly recommend you check out the work of psychologist Shelley E. Taylor. In 2000, she reexamined the results of studies that led to the concept of “fight or flight.” The term was coined in 1932 to describe reactions to a threat. Talyor and her team discovered that the majority of participants in the many studies on threat and stress responses were men. When they looked at women’s responses, they found different behavior.
Women tended others, caring for the vulnerable. Or they befriended those in their community who could join together to address the threat. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tend_and_befriend. Or, for more in-depth information, https://taylorlab.psych.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/sites/5/2014/11/2011_Tend-and-Befriend-Theory.pdf
thanks @peggy for reminding me of tend-and-befriend! I first encountered it through this article: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_transform_stress_courage_connection
It landed for me as a strategy for building resilience, or for moving stressful energy into challenge energy... so I see it very much in relationship with what I'm discussing here (thank you for the contribution!), but actually a different phenomenon. "tend" does get at the protect dynamic I am trying to describe, but feels more focused on what is being tended to, not the threat. I'm still seeking language for the energetic of engaging the threat from a transformational place... does that make sense?
I personally resonate with tend and befriend as how I orient to this broader moment of chronic stress (build community!)... and I think it is still distinct from the acute crisis/threat response dynamic that I'm trying to get at here, and the energy of confrontation/ engagement in particular. curious how that lands for you.
So you’re looking for how to be present to a threat in a way that transforms it.
What a great framing! No one word came to mind to encapsulate this notion. Google’s AI suggested a few. Neutralize or reframe were closest but still inadequate.
More to the point, I have a different interpretation for what it means to tend. I see “tend” as focused on the threat as much or more than on who or what you wish to protect.
When feeling threatened, often my first step is to understand underlying motivations. It usually helps me find a way to relate with compassion and curiosity. And it sets me up to do my best listening – a skill I see as essential when threatened. Through listening, I am better equipped to transform any situation.
An example that speaks to the transformative power of listening is from my friend and colleague, Mark Jones. Mark developed what he called the HSL. It came from an insight he received from the Dalai Lama: we all need to be heard, seen, and loved – HSL – or mischief occurs. I hadn’t made this connection until now...the HSL practice is a powerful practice for tending. And it works quite effectively, if counterintuitively, for “engaging the threat from a transformational place.”
A short description of Mark’s HSL diagnostic model is in this post - https://peggyholman.substack.com/p/the-hsl-experiment-346004e759b1. The gist of it is if we don’t feel heard, we shout or shut up. When we don’t feel seen, we become a bully or make ourselves invisible. When we don’t feel loved, we approach/avoid. In all cases, the remedy is in listening.
The post links to "The HSL Diagnostic Model" in which Mark tells a story that I think makes it clear how tending can be a transformative approach to a threat. The gist of the story is that Mark, a black man, was approached by six young white men in a park in New Orleans. They wanted to “teach him a lesson” for being in a place he didn’t belong. Mark “HSL’d” them, drawing out their stories. He completely transformed the situation, made a human connection with men who outnumbered him and came with intent to do him harm, saved himself from a serious physical threat, and left them with some soul searching to do.
In sum, I see two assumptions that may have contributed to our different perspectives. First, that tending and befriending can be focused toward the threat. And second, that confrontation can be dissipated through something deceptive because it seems so non-confrontational: the quality of our listening.
ooh I love this Peggy! thanks so much for sharing Mark's HSL model, it really resonates... and the sequencing too. it does feel at the heart of so much of our current moment of polarization... and is a reminder of what a tall order it is to practice in the face of threat.
I think you’re right, and I am committed to working toward it too. I’m reminded of/guided by Marshall Rosenberg saying (something like) each side needs to feel seen/heard, that their needs will be respected, and that both can trust each other to honor that. It’s true for every level of conflict. It’s a tall order, but it is possible.
I always appreciate the depth of your thinking.