2025 Intentions: the gift of being seen

Retrospection and intention-setting from another year of transformation

beauty in the Seattle Arboretum, November 2024

I am writing this on the return trip from a profound and spiritually transformational week in Borikén (the indigenous name for the U.S. colony of Puerto Rico). I worked hard to set my 2025 intentions before arriving for our second annual Belonging @ Scale gathering (a name that may evolve as we feel into our collective intentions)… and now I want to share them here with the benefit and refinement of a week of deep intentional practice.

I always choose intentions that show up fractally in my life: in different relationships and contexts (professionally, personally, as a parent, lover, friend). I orient toward what I call “I, We, World”: meaning that what I practice at each level is fractally consistent with the other levels: my inner work is connected to my relational work is expressing my calling in the world.

2024 for me was about “repairing the ruptures”: a deep commitment to the relational work of healing, connecting (and reconnecting) and collaborating. Where 2023 closed with a focus on “I,” 2024 for me was about “We”… and I’m feeling clearly that 2025 will be more about World.

I’m still integrating deep learnings, and trying to move slowly. As John Dewey said:

We don’t learn from experience, we learn from reflecting on experience.

The bridge from last year’s learnings to this year’s intentions seems to center on this theme: the deep longing to see and be seen. I mean this not in the narrow sense of sight with our eyes, but in the spiritual sense of appreciating another in their wholeness: a soul-seeing, if you will. As I was thinking about this theme over the last couple weeks, I received an email from the good folks at Rooted Global Village, in which they observed:

There is a familiar ache — one that speaks to the desire for intimacy and connection with oneself and others. A longing to be in authentic relationship — to let ourselves see and be seen — which is so deeply human.

Yes. A yearning for intimacy, for interdependence, for the felt experience that we matter to each other. This to me is belonging in action: the active quality of embodying that belonging to self, and of letting others know that they too belong.

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Key Lessons from 2024

My 2024 intentions focused on deep collaboration; slowness and feeling my feelings; and exploring the edge of my preferences where they become boundaries. I am sitting with four broad categories of lessons emerging from my efforts to embody these intentions.

But my biggest takeaway from 2024 (actually finally landing in my body in these early weeks of 2025, thanks in part to some deep conversations with my partner Leela) is actually upstream of the four lessons that follow… so I’ll start with this big truth:

I have trauma.

This is a massive shift in my own self-understanding, and the story I tell about myself. I have been in deep inquiry for years about whether and how it shows up in my own life (including a week-long exploration back in 2021 of Somatics, Trauma, and Resilience), but I’ve been slow to come to this conclusion. First, because it’s not acute, and second because relatively it seems so much less significant than the capital T trauma I see all around me.

But I’ve had to confront the reality that my past wounding/conditioning is coloring my perceptions of the present… which is one definition of how trauma works. I have two core wounds:

1. There isn’t space for my emotional experience; I am too big to be held.

2. People can’t see me inside of my body; I am made out to be the perpetrator.

The common thread here is the definition of trauma that Sarah Peyton offers as being “too alone” (hat-tip to Rajkumari Neogy for helping make that connection for me):

[Trauma is] the experience of something difficult, during or after which we are not accompanied by warm and precise understanding, either from ourselves or from others.

I have long known where these wounds come from, but it feels significant to name them as trauma that is getting in the way of how I want to show up in the world.

This realization feels quite liberating, actually: I am entering 2025 committed to finally letting go of those stories and healing. It feels good to be holding these intentions heading into the Lunar New Year of the Snake: a time of shedding and rebirth. I want to take off the dark-colored glasses that keep me hypervigilant for evidence to confirm the stories I fear… and thus create a self-fulfilling prophecy that prevents me from seeing a more complex and generous reality. I am tired of being complicit in my own non-belonging: it’s exhausting carrying around my armor all the time, and expecting not to be seen… and then behaving in ways that elicit the very thing I fear.

This is hard work, because of course I get ample evidence moving through the world that confirms these stories: that actually it isn’t safe to share my emotional vulnerable self; that people do cast me as perpetrator. And: I feel strong and resilient enough that I can re-conceive what it means to be “unsafe.” That is to say: I can handle it. I am no longer a child where the unsafety felt existential: I have other sources of resilience, and can resource myself when I am not seen.

So this is a core understanding that informs all that follows: a deep intention to let go of these old stories that are keeping me tethered to my trauma, and to move into the new year with tenderness, discernment, and a commitment to seeing the world in all its nuanced complexity.

With that context, I want to share my other four lessons-in-the-process-of-being-integrated:

(A number of people have asked about my retrospection and intention-setting process, so I’ve included that at the end of this post in case it’s helpful for others.)

1. Detachment with love

I value my ability to feel deep compassion for another person’s suffering, and to see their full potential. The downside of this gift is a tendency toward rescuing or enabling: to wanting their healing more than they themselves want it. I can inadvertently subject us both to the pain of trying to be in relationship with someone’s potential, rather than their present reality. I am slowly coming to understand that I can better honor myself and people I care about by loving from a distance.

Giving them the gift of acceptance (of who they are at present) and appreciation for their humanity… and myself the gift of detaching from outcomes, or needing them to be something for me that they are not choosing to be. As my Building Belonging teammate Kazu beautifully reminded me (quoting a friend, I believe): “Sometimes space is the thing that helps you move towards relationship.” This is the deeper work inside of my commitment to distinguishing boundaries (core needs) from preferences: once I acknowledge that a relationship cannot meet my core needs, I need to accept that reality and enforce my boundaries. As Genny Rumancik put it on the very day I was writing this:

Yes: I need to detach with love.

2. Create more space between “yes” and “and.”

Ahh… such a deep and valuable learning. I feel like people in my life have been trying to tell me a version of this for years, and I finally got it (I may be slow, but I’ll get there with some support!). This is the deeper work inside of my commitment to slowness. My strength: my brain and my nervous system process very rapidly. My weakness: sometimes that rapid processing can bypass the work of letting impact or emotions land fully in my body… or in allowing that impact on me to land in them. My tendency—when receiving feedback, or in conversation about complex topics—can be to acknowledge my partner’s point/perspective with a “yes, I hear you”… and then pivot too quickly to “and what about.” Or to move too quickly from “I see you” to “can you see me?”

On a good day I have landed the “yes” in myself and am genuinely ready to move on… but they may not be. My “yes” may not have yet landed in their nervous systems. On a bad day… it may also have not yet landed fully in mine, and they are rightly not feeling fully seen or heard. There’s a deeper thread here in the context of my work for justice: given my positionality and identities inside of our systems of oppression, sometimes a “yes” is all that is possible. Sometimes there isn’t space/it isn’t appropriate to try to offer my “and”: they won’t be able to hear it, and I can undermine the gift of being seen if I then insist that they also see me. Sigh… ongoing work for me, especially given my deep commitment to repairing ruptures (nearly always a two-way street!) My mantra: as a person who moves fast, slowness is a gift for the person I’m relating to (and usually, also to me!)

3. It is my responsibility to take care of myself (and to accept care!)

Two seemingly contradictory learnings here. First: it is my responsibility to see and care for my own pain. I can—and must—give myself the care I yearn to receive from others. That allows me to be more patient and grounded in relationship, and to postpone my needs so I can attend to others more impacted (often necessary in justice work across lines of marginalization and privilege).

Second: of course I need to receive care. As my therapist reminds me: support is a human right. I need to focus more on letting support in: both from the Earth (a deep source of resilience for me this year, amid difficult times), and from people who love me. I would like to be less focused on insisting that care be transmitted through my love languages, and more accepting of care that is offered via the love language of the giver. I’d like to let more love in, however it is expressed.

4. How I receive feedback… and change behavior.

I was really pleased this year to come up with a framework for how I receive feedback (I suspect this may be more universal, but I intended it as specific guidance to my close partners for how to get me to change behavior). I initially wrote about it at the end of 2023 at a more general level (how to transform!); this is adapted specifically to how to integrate feedback from others for behavior change. I want to share it here both to remind myself, and in case it might be helpful for others:

1. You: lead with love: honor my humanity and intent, and seek consent to offer feedback.

2. Once I consent, I center you: we work to understand the need/why (including any connection to past wounding or trauma patterns), and the impact, and the request (it hurts me when… because… could you please…?)

3. Once you feel heard/understood, we switch and center me: am I ready to consent to this request? If so, skip to the next step. If not, work to understand the resistance: what is the need the current behavior is trying to meet? Why is this difficult? What is the wounding/trauma here?

4. Once needs are understood, dialogue about strategies to meet both our needs: maybe your request is the best way forward; maybe there is another strategy that might better address our unmet needs. And here’s the hard part: Sometimes my ability to change behavior is influenced by a change I may need in you as well: if you want me to express my feelings more, I may need you to focus on more intentionally holding safe emotional space. Can we be open to mutual transformation?

5. Consent to behavior change, and agree on what success looks like.

6. Practice! Signpost when trying the new behavior, celebrate successes, and refine/improve as needed until transformation has occurred :-)

So often feedback I receive comes with an expectation that the act of making the request will lead to the change… and then my partner is frustrated when it doesn’t. Painting the fuller picture of what is needed (at least for me!) has been really helpful. I genuinely want to change behavior if something I’m doing is negatively impacting someone I care about… and I need help to be able to transform.

Each of these are what I call lessons observed but not yet fully learned: it will take ongoing practice to integrate them. They inform this year’s three intentions.

2025 Intentions

This is going to be a rough year for all of us: responding to authoritarianism and defending those most marginalized, while trying to continue to build the world we know is possible. We need each other more than ever… and we need to continue grounding ever more deeply into the unique work that is ours to do. I share these intentions in that spirit: where my inner work connects to what will support my relationships and community, and serve what the world is needing.

1. Shine my light… but don’t insist that others see it.

There are two components here. One is to continue to share my gifts with the world: boldly, in integrity, guided by my calling. This is the piece of me I associate with my redwood self. My work here is to continue to root deep and grow tall, heeding adrienne maree brown’s reminder: “however big the work is, is how deep within yourself you need to go.” My vision is expansive; my inner work therefore must be very deep. This is also about taking care of myself when I don’t feel seen; when I feel like my gifts aren’t appreciated. Grounding in my calling, accepting support from the Earth, receiving love from those who do see me. My redwood drawing nourishment from relationships in order to stand in its fullness.

And there is a second piece: to give others the gift of being seen… without making that gift conditional on being seen in return. This is the piece of me I associate with my giraffe self: attuned to others, seeing far and with my NVC giraffe ears trying to listen deeply. It is also part of what justice asks: to be the first mover, to initiate repair, to listen… and to see. Here I love the Zulu greeting/concept of sawubona: I see you. I honor your humanity. I want to give that gift to others… and to let go of my attachment to being seen in return. As someone who deeply yearns for intimacy (which Esther Perel beautifully defines as letting someone know that they matter)… can I be the first to offer and invite intimacy?

2. Allow people to feel me… and invite them to see me.

Last year I did a much better job feeling my feelings; this year I’d like to try to do a better job sharing them with others. I have so much love, but I fear that others don’t always see it or feel it through my identities and my armoring. I want to stop letting that fear prevent me from showing people, and giving them a chance to see me. This is the part of me I associate with my rainbow unicorn self. I got a rainbow unicorn tattoo this year over my heart: to remind myself of my essence, even when others can’t see it. I want to embody and project more softness/openness… and I want to let people know when I’m feeling hurt. And harder still: when they hurt me. My partner Leela helped me realize in 2024 how hard it is for me to take up emotional space. It feels much safer and easier for me to claim intellectual space; much more vulnerable to ask for emotional space. I’d like to do a better job:

• More proactively naming my core wounding to close partners early in collaboration, so they can see the old shape I am trying to escape/transform and help me hold myself accountable to my healing/intentions.

• Naming when something isn’t working for me, and inviting collaboration around a way forward that works for everyone (rather than trying to engineer a solution or advocate for a specific strategy that I have come up with in isolation).

• Naming the “ouch” when someone says or does something that hurts me (and trying to do so without blame, owning my feelings and my sadness/grief/hurt). A line I’d like to try: “can I share how I have been impacted?”

• Advocate for my voice to be heard (not just to speak, but to be heard)… and to do my best to share from my heart. I often tell myself the story that others aren’t curious about my experience… I’d like to challenge that narrative, and be more proactive about inviting consent to share when there’s something I’d like to bring to the collective.

The Zulu response/counterpart to sawubona is shiboka, translating roughly to: it is good to be seen; I exist for you.

It is good to be seen: I’d like to reveal more of myself in order for that to be possible.

3. Practice deep collaboration and mutual influencing.

This is the same intention I had last year… and I’m running it back. Some good—and painful—learnings this year, and it remains a core intention. There are two components… and the first enables the second. Here’s the thing: in my I/We/World framing, We is the bridge from I to World. Any vision I want to see realized in the world can only be achieved through deep collaboration. The vision I feel called to is huge; far beyond my capacity. I am humbled in the face of it. I desperately need help… and companionship. Accompaniment. Solidarity. Belonging. I want to work alongside and learn from people who are also holding big visions, and collaborate where our visions intersect. I don’t want to lead alone.

Second: I want to step more into my rightful power. This is something I have been resisting and struggling with for years, in part because of my positionality inside of social justice spaces. And it finally clicked (the fourth piece just this week in Borikén, actually) that I need four conditions to step into power:

1. Trust that my collaborators are anchored in themselves and their own visions (so I won’t pull them away from their callings). I need to feel them in their groundedness, and see where our visions intersect.

2. Trust that they can hold and meet me in the bigness of me and my vision. I resonated this year with the metaphor that I am a big ship that leaves a big wake. It is my responsibility to move with attunement so I don’t capsize others: and I want deeply to work with those who won’t be thrown off by my wake.

3. A deep commitment to solidarity: we have each other’s back, and will do the hard work of navigating rupture and repair together.

4. Their active consent/desire/request for me to step into the leadership that is mine to do… and their support and guidance to help me find my proper place/right relationship to my power. Including giving me feedback on where I can do better in moving toward my vision in a collective context… and supporting me in landing/integrating that feedback.

I had a chance to practice all three of these intentions in a deep way this past week while in Borikén with the Belonging @ Scale team… and it feels profound. I’m really excited to have that group as a fractal within which to practice… and to bring these intentions into other domains of my life. In addition to to my core relationship, I will be seeking other containers and practice grounds.

Domains of Practice

Some things I’m thinking about:

1. I’m really interested in more proactively cultivating an intentional spiritual practice this year (a key lesson for me from Borikén), including integrating ceremony and ritual.

2. 1:1 liberatory leadership coaching, particularly focused on the third intention around deep collaboration and right relationship to power and leadership (of course informed by the other two)… I want to get guidance from others who shepherd big visions in multiracial transnational contexts.

3. Considering more plant medicine work… if I get called to the right container/context in which to journey. And somatic bodywork… such powerful medicine there.

4. I’m going to take singing lessons! I’m interested in exploring ways to express my voice that challenge me and take me out of my head and into my body. I always store my tension in my jaw; I’ve learned it’s a sign that I’m holding something back from being expressed (or absorbing external pain, and trying to prevent it from entering me). I’d like to practice connecting the channel from my core/center to my voice.

5. I continue to be interested in the intersection of power, shadow, and the erotic. I’m still considering ISTA Level 2, and would love to find a way to take a course with the Light Dark Institute.

2025 will be a big year of transition and transformation for me: transitioning Building Belonging into its next phase with a new leadership structure; getting a W2 job—hopefully in a role practicing transformation and unlocking resources inside of philanthropy; moving with my family back to Seattle from southern Oregon; and co-creating the next gathering of Belonging @ Scale (or whatever we choose to name it that captures that sentiment). I look forward to practicing my intentions, and invite support in holding me accountable.

In community,

Brian

Retrospection / Intention-Setting Process

In case others are curious/interested in cultivating their own practice… here’s what I did this year. It took about three weeks of carving out time in between work, relationships, parenting, and holidays.

1. I center in my intentions for the year, and use that as a prism for all that follows.

2. I keep a running notes file during the year of things that feel significant and likely to be key learnings, so I start with that.

3. Then I go back through my calendar and photos to remind myself of what I was doing, and with whom, and capture highlights in a google doc.

4. I aggregate and go through all my notes from therapy (blessedly my therapist sends an email summarizing key themes/takeaways after each session: godsend!)

5. This year for the first time I also read through all my journals (9 of them!) and dictated key themes and highlights into the google doc.

6. Then I went through the google doc (60 pages!) and bolded things that felt fractally important.

7. I bucketed those items into a total of 22 themes… which I then whittled down to the four lessons and three intentions you see here :-)

I also created intentional time and space to sit and feel and think and reflect. In particular I spent some solo time in my spiritual sanctuary: the redwoods (where I identified in November a number of key themes that ended up emerging in December). I realize this may sound like a lot of work: and it is. And it’s essential. As the saying goes: lessons will be repeated until they are learned. I challenge myself with the practice from Dragon Dreaming, which says we should spend fully one quarter of our time reflecting/learning/celebrating… before turning our attention once again to dreaming.

I was pleasantly surprised this year how clearly the process yielded results: I felt no ambiguity in the key themes and the work that is mine to do.

Annual Best-of List

Usually I do an entire post devoted to this, but I just haven’t been able to muster the energy/motivation. Instead I’d like to point to a few podcasts that I’ve found helpful in my journey this year; apologies for not including more ceremony/curation here:

1. Three Black Men on the World as Ritual

2. The One Question to Finally Let Go of Control with ALOK

3. All creativity happens in relationship

4. Colette Pichon Battle — On Knowing What We're Called To

5. What It Takes to Heal with Prentis Hemphill + adrienne maree brown

6. Is Racial Repair Possible?

7. Finale: What did we learn? Where do we go from here?

8. The Mono/Poly Relationship: Challenges and Solutions with Dr. Elisabeth Sheff

9. The Art of Movement Building: Personal Liberation for Public Change with Mamphela Ramphele

10. Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 2